Being present - How to really be there for someone and why you should be.
The What -
Make an effort to really be there for someone today. Start a conversation with the pure intention of letting the conversation be about them and not you. Take time to fully listen to someone today. If you send a text, make it only about checking in and not about your own needs. Ask someone how they are and really listen to how they feel. Give them the opportunity to open up and tell you more. If your mind wanders, bring it right back to the person in front of you. Be present, be aware and really be there.
The Why -
We spend a lot of time being 'around' people but are we really being 'there' for them? How often do you ask someone how they are but not really pay that much attention to their response? Do you lose focus on what someone is saying because you're thinking about what to say next or distracted by other things on your mind? Of course - we all do!
So it's a good idea to just focus on being present for others sometimes. We are only human, we can't help distractions all of the time but just for today, really be there for those around you.
Why is there a lion in the marketing department? Isn't he usually based in human resources?
The why of this is really because us humans can be a bit selfish. Oooo bit harsh! I know but it's not our fault, it's just a survival instinct. Of course we're all trying to stay alive and get through our days in one piece without being eaten by a lion. So we aren't really to blame for focusing on our own needs and what's for dinner. But we can set those thoughts aside every now and again if there aren't too many lions about.
The how can be a little more tricky, especially if you struggle with anxiety. Then, your anxious mind is basically telling you there are hypothetical lions everywhere. So it's just a tad distracting when Jane from marketing is trying to tell you about her latest trip to the chiropodist when you feel like a raging sharp toothed beast might pounce on your desk at any moment.
This is where it really helps to make being present for people in your life a specific task for your day. It also helps to have a few ways lined up in your mind that you can do this. So a few tricks you can use include;
Mix up the "How are you's"
Instead of saying 'how are you' ask the person 'How are you feeling after _____ happened? or How have things been since _____? Or what do you think of _____?
Create time and space
Invite someone to coffee or dinner or on a walk and go with the full intention of really listening to them. That doesn't mean you can't talk and share too but make a point to give them your time with the space and opportunity for them to be heard.
Add the "Are you really's?" and the "Are you sure's?"
We know how often when someone asks "How are you?" that the response is a generic "Fine thanks", "Not too bad" etc. So when someone gives you the generic response, if you're not 100% sure that they really are doing fine then ask them "Are you really?" or "Are you sure, you're OK?"
Sometimes people just need the opportunity to open up. They need to know they aren't burdening you and that you have the time to listen. Just a little follow up can give them that opportunity. They might not tell you a thing and that's totally fine but at least you made the effort to be present and give them the chance.
Repeat back
If you're distracted or thinking about what to say next when someone is talking to you then repeat back. Either repeat a version of what they said out loud back to them.
Example -
"I'm not doing so well today."
"Ok, what's been making you feel that you aren't doing so well today?"
Or just repeat back in your own mind. Whatever the person is saying, say it almost as if they are in your own mind with your own voice. This helps your mind to better process what they are saying to you and also to hear the tone better as your own mind's voice will try to follow in their tone.
Limit distractions
Close your laptop, switch your phone off, turn the telly down. Make a point to really give someone your undivided attention. We so often hear without really listening so make sure to, even if it's just a quick chat.
It's a win-win sitch
The great thing about really being present with people is you often find as much benefit in it as the other person does. This is especially true when it comes to the most important relationships in your life as it offers the opportunity for closeness and better understanding.
Being present in conversations and for the people that need you is also pretty good brain training. It can help you to focus, notice as well as appreciate more and be in the moment. Your memory will also thank you later when that important info actually sticks because you were really paying attention.
People will even trust you more if they feel you really listen and will be more likely to take note of what you say in future. But most importantly, the person you're listening to will really appreciate feeling heard. So just being present for someone and actively listening is basically a win-win situation.
The Who -
This feather was inspired by my ongoing struggle to be a better listener. Man is it a work in progress! All those that know me, also know that I tend to wander off when I see shiny things and not hear a word they are saying if i'm hungry and there's mention of food on its way. But hey, acknowledging it's not my strong point is a start right?!
So if it's also not yours, definitely try being more present for someone you care about today. You may, like me be amazed at what you see around you when you're not chasing bubbles and admiring the shiny things.
Lou @ Feathered Paths Xx
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